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LGBTQ+

Coming Out Again and Again
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Coming Out Again & Again 495 401 cj

Coming Out Again & Again
Coming Out Again and Again

Coming Out Again & Again

By Leo Kirkham

As Dr. Sarah Bruce wrote in her blog post for last year’s Coming Out Day, coming out is a journey, not a destination. There is rarely one single moment in a person’s life where they come out, but rather, a series of choices every single day about whether to come out to the random stranger cutting your hair, or to your neighbor, or to your doctor. This puts LGBTQIA people in the position to choose safety or authenticity: Do I choose the comfort of this person knowing my identity, or the comfort of them not knowing?

Coming out can bring feelings of joy, relief, and even euphoria – but it can also bring feelings of fear or anxiety. For some LGBTQIA people, in their journey of exploring their gender and sexual orientation, find that they need to come out again as something new.

Personally, I came out as bisexual before I came out as a lesbian. Then I came out as nonbinary, changed my name, and starting using they/them pronouns. Each coming out marked a new stage of my journey to finding myself, and a step closer to my truest, most authentic self.

But coming out again, and again, was scary. Will the family members and friends who loved and accepted me as a lesbian, still love and accept me as nonbinary? Will they use my new name and pronouns? If I change my name or pronouns in the future, will they understand?

Every new coming out brings with it a new wave of doubts and what-ifs.

Sometimes, family members or friends are accepting of a person’s sexual orientation, but not their gender identity. Or they are okay with their child being gay, but they don’t believe bisexuality is real. Or they were fine with someone changing their name and pronouns once, but think, does that person have to change them again?

There is also the fear of reinforcing negative stereotypes about the LGBTQIA community. For example, I feared coming out as a lesbian and reinforcing the stereotype that bisexuality isn’t real, or that all bisexuals come out as gay in the end. This stereotype isn’t true, but often LGBTQIA folks, like other minorities, face the burden of having to represent their entire community. Stigma and stereotypes arise when individuals are taken to represent all LGBTQIA people.

Instead, we should give individuals the freedom to explore their identities without judgment. Every new coming out should be greeted with joy and celebration. Tell your child or loved one, “Thank you for trusting me. Thank you for telling me. Thank you for being your true, authentic self with me.” By creating a safe environment for your loved ones, you encourage them to be confident, be brave, and be themselves.

How to Affirm Your LGBTQ+ Students
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How to Affirm your LGBTQ+ Students 495 401 cj

How to Affirm your LGBTQ+ Students
How to Affirm Your LGBTQ+ Students

How to Affirm your LGBTQ+ Students

By Jay Baldwin

It’s back to school season, and schools across the United States are welcoming a new set of youth into their classrooms. Going back to school can cause a variety of emotions for students, and LGBTQ+ students are no exception. Many queer and transgender young people have a particular set of challenges to navigate in school settings, and teachers and school staff can make a profound difference in their LGBTQ+ students’ lives by showing them support, affirmation and acceptance. The statistics for many students in the LGBTQ+ community are staggering. The Trevor Projects’ National Survey on LGBTQ Youth Mental Health reports:

  • 6 in 10 LGBT students report feeling unsafe at school because of their sexual orientation.
  • LGBTQ youth are more than four times as likely to attempt suicide than their peers

It is important to emphasize that LGBTQ youth are not inherently prone to suicide risk and mental health issues because of their sexual orientation or gender identity, but are at higher risk because of how they are mistreated and stigmatized in society. (Trevor Project, 2022)

As a teacher, staff or other student support individual, here is the statistic that is most important to remember:
LGBTQ youth who report having at least one accepting adult in their lives are 40% less likely to report a suicide attempt in the past year.

Being an accepting adult could save one of your students’ lives. Here are some simple but meaningful ways that you can be an affirming and accepting adult for your students:

Create visual cues in your office/classroom that signal support for the community

Because many people in the LGBTQ+ community rely on non-verbal cues to know whether someone or somewhere is safe and accepting, small items like a rainbow flag, a safe space sticker, or a pronoun pin that says your own pronouns can signal to your students that you are going to affirm and support their identity.

Avoid gendered language

Using non gendered language is one of the simplest but most affirming ways to create an inclusive atmosphere and also avoid misgendering students. Instead of saying “boys and girls” or “ladies and gentlemen,” try “folks”, “everyone” or “friends.” Use your students’ names as opposed to referring to them with “Mr. or Ms.”

Ask students how they’d like to be referred to

Some students may use a different name or pronouns than you may first assume. One helpful tool is creating a “getting to know you” form that includes asking students what pronouns and name they’d like you to use for them at the beginning of the school year. Because some students live in homes that do not affirm their identity, make sure to ask whether or not it’s okay to use these pronouns and name when speaking with their parents or caregivers.

Keep an open mind, and be prepared to make mistakes

Do you have a student whose identity you don’t completely understand? Maybe you keep slipping up on pronouns, or feel like you don’t know the right terminology? It’s okay to make mistakes or not understand everything right away. The most important part is to keep an open mind, apologize when you make a mistake, and be committed to continually getting to know your students and the ways they want to be seen and known.

Provide statements of affirmation.

Tell your students that their identities are valuable and beautiful. In a world where LGBTQ+ people are regularly under attack, your students need this more than ever.

 

Wishing you all a wonderful back to school season, and here is to creating a safer and more inclusive world for all of our LGBTQ+ youth.

Coming Out As the Parent of An LGBTQ+ Child
Coming Out as the Parent of an LGBTQ+ Child 495 401 Jay Baldwin

Coming Out as the Parent of an LGBTQ+ Child
Coming Out As the Parent of An LGBTQ+ Child

Coming Out as the Parent of an LGBTQ+ Child

By Jay Baldwin

Every week, I meet parents who tell me the story about their child or young adult coming out to them as LGBTQ+. For some parents, their child came out to them at an early age and they are a few years into their journey. For other parents, their children only just came out in the past few weeks or months and they are just starting to navigate what it all means. Whatever the case may be, just as a LGBTQ+ youth has their own coming out process, parents and caregivers of LGBTQ+ youth will have their own coming out process too.

Some parents may find it easy to accept their child as LGBTQ+, while others may express hesitation or uncertainty about their child’s identity. While the journey to understand, accept and affirm an LGBTQ+ child throughout their life is not linear by any means, there are often common themes, themes and emotions that I see expressed by parents who are raising an LGBTQ+ child, regardless of their level of acceptance. Often, this starts with a lot of questions that come from a place of uncertainty, confusion and fear. Depending on one’s cultural and religious beliefs, many parents may wonder things like:

Is my child just going through a phase? Will my child ever get married or have children? Did my parenting style cause my child to be this way? How will people treat my child? How and when do I share my child’s identity with others? 

At Kaleidoscope, we want parents to know that these are all normal and understandable questions and reactions to a child’s LGBTQ+ identity. We also want parents to know that we offer several support groups for parents of LGBTQ+ youth to share their experiences, give and receive support, and learn about valuable resources. Here are a few commonly asked questions:

I’m nervous about attending a support group. What can I expect?

The purpose of our groups is to support you wherever you are in your journey. You are welcome here, and you will not be judged or shamed in any way.

I love my child, and I am also grieving the life I thought my child may have had. Can a support group help me with these kinds of feelings?

Parent support groups can help parents realize that grieving is a process. It is not linear and it takes time to adjust. It can be comforting to talk with other parents who may have similar feelings or initial reactions. Sharing these emotions in a safe space can provide an opportunity for self-exploration of one’s own biases and fears. It can often provide parents with a sense of hope to hear from other parents who have moved from a place of grief to acceptance.

There are groups for parents of neurotypical children and neurodivergent LGBTQ+ children. Is parenting an LGBTQ+ child similar for both cohorts?

Although each child with autism has a unique experience, LGBTQIA+ young people that are also on the autism spectrum may face more complex challenges than their neurotypical peers. It’s important to listen to these young people and consider the potential influence of certain factors, such as theory of mind deficits, social challenges, sensory sensitivity, and more, while also recognizing that autistic youth have as much of a right to identify and express who they are as neurotypical young people.

I’m interested! Where do I sign up? 

If you are interested in joining our Parent/Caregivers Support Group in English or in Spanish, please contact Dr. Joselyn Valle at [email protected]

To inquire about our new Parent Education Group for Parents of LGBTQ+ Autistic Youth that begins in September, contact Dr. Sarah Bruce at [email protected]

Kaleidoscope's Pride Month Recap
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Pride Month 2022 Recap 495 400 cj

Pride Month 2022 Recap
Kaleidoscope's Pride Month Recap
kaleidoscope's

Pride Month 2022 Recap

All of us at Kaleidoscope so enjoyed Pride Month 2022. June was a busy month for us and we thoroughly enjoyed participating in so many joyful Pride events.

We kicked off our month with Pasadena’s DCFS LGBTQIA+ Resource Fair on June 1st. It was a true pleasure to share information about our program with the many wonderful DCFS staff who attended the Resource Fair, and we appreciated their interest in our program.

Our next event was the fabulous WeHo Pride Street Festival and Parade on June 4th and 5th. The atmosphere during this weekend was positive, upbeat, and inclusive. The LGBTQIA+ community and their allies brought the fun and everyone was in a great mood. We gave rainbow striped notepads, erasers and lanyards to the folks visiting our booth and we were told our unique pronoun pins were the most popular give-away at the event.

The celebration continued at LA Pride on June 11th. We were truly honored to be a beneficiary of Cheer LA’s fundraising. Cheer LA is an active group of volunteers seeking to promote awareness, spirit, and diversity in the LGBTQIA+ community through dynamic cheer, dance, and stunt performances. Kaleidoscope is thrilled and grateful to receive over $1000 from Cheer LA.

We wrapped up June with one last event, the San Fernando Valley Pride Party on June 25. This family event, held at the Van Nuys Civic Center, was filled with joy, pride, and lots of karaoke!

In addition to attending Pride events, we provided two training sessions for the staff at Muskingum Health Center in Zanesville, Ohio. Muskingum Behavioral Health offers compassionate and effective counseling, prevention and recovery services along with recovery housing. Our Kaleidoscope team members provided a “LGBTQIA+ 101” training to the staff and a “Best LGBTQIA+ Practices for Clinicians” for their clinical staff.

We provided one training session and facilitated three candid conversations for the Segal Benz corporation. We received feedback that these sessions were transformative for the attendees and Segal Benz said they were so thrilled with the Kaleidoscope presenters that they booked their 2023 with us!

And to round out the month, Kaleidoscope provided a webcast on June 7th titled, “Providing Affirming Therapeutic Support to LGBTQIA+ Youth and Young Adults.” This free webcast offered practical strategies and suggestions for mental health professionals, educators, parents, allies, and the community at large. If you missed it or would like to re-watch it, please click here for the recording.

All in all, it was a fun and productive month. If you would like to lend your support to The Help Group’s Kaleidoscope program, please donate here.

Happy Pride everybody!

Laurie the Kaleidoscope pride booth
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Staff members a the Kaleidoscope pride booth
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Staff members a the Kaleidoscope pride booth
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Staff members talking to a group of young adults at a pride event
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photo of Jeri Rochman and Laurie Stephens standing behind a pride booth
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Jeri Rochman, JD, MS

Jeri Rochman, JD, MS, is the Advance LA Director of Community Outreach, a Life Skills Coach, National Board Certified Counselor and Certified Parent Educator. Interested in learning more about Advance LA’s services?

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Our Bodies Are Already Ready by Jay Baldwin
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Our Bodies are Already Ready 495 401 cj

Our Bodies are Already Ready
Our Bodies Are Already Ready by Jay Baldwin

Our Bodies are Already Ready

By Jay Baldwin

Summer is upon us, which for many of us brings up images of splashing in the ocean, relaxing by the pool, and soaking up the sun. But every year right before summer, the inevitable shadow is cast upon this otherwise bright season. “Are you beach body ready?” the ads ask us. “Get yourself ready for bikini season!” From magazines, to diet ads, to many other kinds of media, the message is clear: Only certain kinds of bodies are acceptable, desirable, and appropriate for summer, and if we don’t have one of those kinds of bodies, we need to get them “ready”

The Ideal Body Type?

The “ideal” body type in our culture is typically one that is white, cisgender, thin, and able bodied. Messages like this are rooted in patriarchy, misogyny and racism, and have perpetuated a great deal of harm toward people of all genders. Queer and trans bodies, which have been historically othered and positioned as less than compared to their straight and cisgender peers, are impacted by these messages in very specific ways. Not only is there pressure to “get one’s body ready” from an aesthetic standpoint, there is the actual process of moving through the world and buying a swimsuit that can be very challenging for many LGBTQ+ folks, particularly transgender, non binary and any individual – trans or cisgender – who is gender non conforming.

Swimwear can perpetuate the Gender Binary

Swimwear and bathing suits are almost always gendered pieces of clothing that perpetuate the gender binary – the idea that there are only two genders (men and women) and that there are “acceptable” or assumed ways that boys/men and girls/women will dress. They also emphasize certain body parts that can cause trans, non binary and gender non conforming individuals to experience gender dysphoria. Gender dysphoria is term that describes unease, discomfort or anxiety – sometimes severe –  that a person may have because of a mismatch between their biological sex characteristics and their gender identity. A day at the beach or the pool, one that we associate with fun, carefree times, can be a deeply uncomfortable experience, or one that is avoided altogether, for anyone who cannot find swim wear that is comfortable, affordable and affirms their gender identity and expression.

For trans, non binary and gender non conforming youth who are just coming into their identities and their bodies, this can be a particularly vulnerable time as we head into summer. These youth may be in various stages of coming out and/or in gender transition. They may wonder “Is it safe to present as my chosen gender in a swimsuit? Will I be able to use the correct changing room without being harassed? Will I be misgendered if I wear one kind of bathing suit versus another?”

Affirming Support can make all the difference

If an LGBTQ+ child or teen needs support and help finding a bathing suit, an affirming adult can make all the difference. Let the LGBTQ+ youth in your life know that you know this is not an easy experience, and that they deserve to feel comfortable and happy in their bodies, no matter what they are wearing. It is also important to emphasize that you understand that clothing has no gender, and that they are not obligated to wear anything that gender norms dictate they “should”.

Fortunately, there are now many gender inclusive companies that make swimsuits for LGBTQ+ youth and adults that are comfortable, high quality and gender affirming.

10 Best Places To Buy Gender Inclusive Swimwear has wonderful reviews of many companies that make swimwear for all bodies, genders and gender expressions, and is a refreshing departure from companies that only sell outdated “men and women” swimwear.

This summer, I want to say to the LGBTQ+ community, we’re already ready! We were ready long before anyone told us that we should look, think and act according to harmful and quite frankly ridiculous standards, and we’re waiting for everyone else to catch up. The time is now. May we celebrate our queer and trans bodies, in all their uniqueness, strength and diversity, and shine just as bright as the summer sun.

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Kaleidoscope’s Postcard Project 495 400 cj

Kaleidoscope’s Postcard Project

Kaleidoscope’s Postcard Project:

Empowering LGBTQIA+ student and allies to let their voices be heard

This past March and April, multiple Gay Straight Alliances and Diversity Education students across The Help Group participated in Kaleidoscope’s postcard activism project in response to Florida’s “Don’t Say Gay” bill. Students were invited to write postcards addressed to the office of Governor DeSantis, voicing support for the LGBTQ+ community and speaking out against harmful legislature that would further restrict the rights of LGBTQ+ students and the educational rights of all students in Florida. Although the Don’t Say Gay bill was sadly passed in the middle of this project, students were given the opportunity to speak out against several other anti-LGBTQ+ legislation and voice their concern and protest. In designing their postcards and participating in this small but meaningful form of activism, students were given a variety of templates to choose from, though the majority of them used their own beautiful words, voicing opinions that all students have rights to education, freedom of speech, and basic human rights.

Statement of Position

In the recent months, we have witnessed a series of nationwide legislative motions that were strategically designed to cause harm to LGBTQIA+ youth and their allies. Most notably, Florida’s Parental Rights In Education bill aka ‘Don’t Say Gay’ was signed into law by their state governor, Ron DeSantis. The ‘Don’t Say Gay’ bill will prohibit classroom education surrounding sexual orientation and gender identity, and in essence will obligate its teachers to ‘out’ their students (without consent) to their parents. Kaleidoscope condemns the passage of this outwardly discriminative and dangerous bill and others that are similar in nature. For instance, the Texas Senate bill (‘1646’) that would classify providing gender affirming health care to transgender minors as child abuse. As we know, banning discussions around LGBTQIA+ history and limiting supportive services to the community does not stop youth from being LGBTQIA+ youth, in the same way as trying to rid the world of left-handedness was unsuccessful. You are born LGBTQIA+ in the same way you are born left-handed. Oppressive laws and ignorance cannot change this, but what it can and will do is prevent LGBTQIA+ youth from living authentic, safe, and fulfilling lives.

In their National Survey on LGBTQIA+ Youth Mental Health 2021, The Trevor Project reported, “42% of LGBTQIA+ youth seriously considered attempting suicide in the past year, including more than half of transgender and nonbinary youth and 94% of LGBTQIA+ youth reported that recent politics negatively impacted their mental health.” Kaleidoscope strongly recognizes the notion that supporting LGBTQIA+ youth is not indicative of child abuse; and all allies do, in actuality, is save lives and prevent suicides. NiiLee Cyrus (@jesuisniilee) a trans and queer liberator, educator, and mental health advocate said it best, “My trans agenda is not to turn cis children into trans, but it’s to turn trans children into adults.”

Kaleidoscope stands in solidarity with our allies in Florida and Texas (and, Idaho, Indiana, etc.) who are at the forefronts of fighting the anti-equality bills in their home states. Here in Southern California, Kaleidoscope is teamed up with The Help Group’s nine specialized day schools to help empower their student body in writing post-cards addressed to state legislators in opposition to the various anti-LGBTQIA+ legislation. Legalized, systematic oppression based on archaic cis-hetero ideology and binary thinking is not new. Therefore, we will continue our fight towards sexual and gender liberation by actively supporting and fiercely protecting our LGBTQIA+ youth.

P.S., gay, gay, gay, gay, and gay.

-Kaleidoscope team

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Kaleidoscope offers a range of affirming services; including trainings, consultations, and presentations in community settings. Please reach out to Kaleidoscope to collaborate on their mission to continue improving the quality of life for all LGBTQIA+ youth and young adults. You can email [email protected] to inquire more details.

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The Intersectionality Of The Autism and LGBTQIA+ Spectrums 495 401 cj

The Intersectionality Of The Autism and LGBTQIA+ Spectrums

The Intersectionality Of The ASD and LGBTQIA+ Spectrums

April is Autism Acceptance Month, a time to increase understanding of people with autism, and to provide continued support, kindness, and compassion for the autism community. Acceptance is also a big part of Kaleidoscope’s mission to provide services for young people on the LGBTQIA+ spectrum of sexual orientation, gender, gender identity, and gender expression. April is an important month for us as we celebrate our clients who are on both the autism and LGBTQIA+ spectrums.

Several studies now show that there is a distinct intersectionality of the Autism and LGBTQIA+ spectrums. Intersectionality is defined as a crossroads where two seemingly different things overlap. For example, the research shows that a high number of autistic people identify as lesbian, gay, bisexual, transgender or queer as compared to the general population. “Most of the data that we are seeing is that the rate for autistic people who identify as LGBTQIA+ is two to three times higher,” says Clinical Psychologist Eileen T. Crehan, Ph.D., an assistant professor at Tufts University. But larger studies need to be conducted before the true rate is known, she says.

We also know that gender, like autism, exists on a spectrum. The two spectrums, gender and autism, are now considered to frequently overlap. A recent study revealed that gender identity (a person’s internal sense of their own gender) and sexuality are more varied among autistic people than in the general population, and autism is more common among people who do not identify as their assigned sex at birth. Research shows that children with autism are 7.6 times more likely to express gender variance. Clinicians and researchers have noted a trend over the last twenty-five years with increasing numbers of children who are seeking professional care related to gender identity who also identify as autistic or having autistic traits.

Overall, autism appears to be more prevalent among gender-diverse people. A larger percentage of autistic people reported their gender as being something other than strictly male or female, as compared to other people. Gender diversity is defined as an Identity beyond the male/female binary framework. A 2018 Australian survey of transgender teens and young adults found that 22.5% had been diagnosed with autism. Research suggests that people who have an autism diagnosis or autism traits are more likely to identify as transgender. One study found the rate to be 2 -3 times higher in people who have autism.

For some autistic LGBTQIA+ young people, there is a sense of isolation and of not belonging. Belonginess, as defined by Dr. Kenneth Pelletier, at the Stanford Center for Research and Disease Prevention, is “a sense of belonging that is a basic human need – as basic as food and shelter.” Dr. Pelleetier continues, “Social support may be one of the critical elements distinguishing those who remain healthy from those who will become ill.”

Our Kaleidoscope team understands that our autistic LGBTQIA+ clients may find some aspects of “belongingness” challenging due to deficits in social communication and difficulty initiating social interactions. Our hope is that our social support groups can be a resource for those who seek to belong in a community. Our online and upcoming in-person LGBTQIA+ social support groups, Pride Club for teens and Coffee Chat for young adults, offer a sense of empowerment and increased self-esteem for young LGBTQIA+ people, due to a kind, inclusive environment with non-judgemental peers.

Research proves that accepting behaviors by peers and adults such as respect, support, and kindness, can positively impact autistic LGBTQIA+ young people as evidenced by higher self-esteem, better overall health, and a belief that they will be healthy, happy adults.

Cheers to a happy Autism Acceptance Month!

Jeri Rochman, JD, MS

Jeri Rochman, JD, MS, is the Advance LA Director of Community Outreach, a Life Skills Coach, National Board Certified Counselor and Certified Parent Educator. Interested in learning more about Advance LA’s services?

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What Does It Mean To Identify As Non-Binary? 495 401 cj

What Does It Mean To Identify As Non-Binary?

What Does It Mean To Identify As Non-Binary?

If you watched the Sex And the City reboot titled, And Just Like That, then you saw the character Charlotte learn that her 13 year old child Rose now identifies as non-binary and wants to be called Rock. Charlotte is at first utterly baffled but then decides to learn all she can about what it means to be non-binary. At the series’ end, Charlotte is completely supportive of her child.Some viewers of the show found Charlotte’s journey very relatable, while for others this may have been the first time they learned about people who identify as non-binary.

What does the term non-binary mean? Non-binary can mean different things to different people. For some, being non-binary means they don’t identify as exclusively male or female. Other non-binary people may have a fluctuating gender identity or identify as nongendered. If your child identifies as non-binary, then the best way to understand how your child defines themselves is to ask your child how they personally define non-binary.

To further explain, when a baby is born, the doctor assigns the gender as male or female based on external anatomy. However, as the child grows up, the gender assigned at birth may not align with how the child feels internally. We now know that gender is a social construct, meaning children are socialized to behave in ways that align with society’s expectation for what is “male” or “female”. Some children feel strongly that their assigned gender does not fit with who they are as a person and those people identify as transgender. And some children feel that they are both male and female genders, or neither gender, or maybe that their gender changes. These people identify as being on the non-binary spectrum. Other terms for non-binary are genderfluid, genderqueer, or agender. How a person feels about themselves is very unique so there is no way to look at a person and know how they identify.

When your child declares that they are non-binary, it is a normal reaction to feel scared or confused. Some parents feel a sense of grief for the loss of what was and find it challenging to move to a place of embracing their child for who they are now. If you find yourself struggling, you can seek support and counseling from Kaleidoscope’s therapeutic services or join with other parents of non-binary children in a safe environment such as Kaleidoscope’s free monthly Parent Support Groups.

Although parents may feel overwhelmed when their child shares that they are non-binary, parents should do their best to respond to their child in a non-judgemental  and compassionate manner. It is important to remember how brave their child was to share their authentic self with their parents, and how confusing it must be for them as they travel this journey of self-discovery.

Parents should focus on being their child’s support team and to be there with love and affirmations. Tell your child that you love them and accept them unconditionally. Let your child take the lead. Ask what pronouns they prefer and if they are comfortable with their name. If they decide to use a chosen name and different pronouns, make every effort to use them.

A parent’s support can give their non-binary child the secure foundation for their healthy development. Parents can demonstrate love and support by showing interest, asking questions and trying to learn all they can about their child’s identity.  For example, ask your child if they would like your help with advocating regarding any school related issues, such as their new name added to the school’s roster of students.

One issue that can be difficult for parents is when their child informs them that they no longer want to be called by their “deadname” which is a term for the name given at birth. Some parents find it painful that their child loathes the name that they spent time choosing and bestowed with love. But their child may feel that their deadname represents the pain they feel when forced to be in a gender category that doesn’t feel “right” to them. Selecting a new name signifies a fresh start and the hope of a more content sense of self. When a parent uses the name their child prefers, it signals acceptance and love, and the understanding that your child is who they want to be.

All parents want their children to lead happy and fulfilled lives. By following their child’s lead, by demonstrating affirmative support, and by loving their child unconditionally, parents of non-binary children are helping to chart their path toward a happy life.

Jeri Rochman, JD, MS

Jeri Rochman, JD, MS, is the Advance LA Director of Community Outreach, a Life Skills Coach, National Board Certified Counselor and Certified Parent Educator. Interested in learning more about Advance LA’s services?

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“Coming Out”: A Journey, Not A Destination 495 401 cj

“Coming Out”: A Journey, Not A Destination
By: Sarah Bruce

“Coming Out”: A Journey, Not A Destination

October is here, marking the return of pumpkin spice, LGBTQIA+ History Month, and National Coming Out Day! National Coming Out Day, celebrated every year on October 11, was established to raise awareness about the LGBTQIA+ community and to show support for LGBTQIA+ equality. For many, National Coming Out Day evokes feelings of pride and excitement, yet others may feel pressured and anxious about “coming out” (sharing information about their gender identity or sexual orientation with others). “Coming out” is often conceptualized as an “act of bravery” or a decision to “live openly and authentically,” which can potentially leave those who struggle with defining and sharing their gender identity and/or sexual orientation feeling ashamed and alone. Feelings associated with “coming out” are personal and unique to every individual, and “coming out” often gives rise to both positive and negative emotions.

When making decisions about if and when to “come out,” LGBTQIA+ people may consider a variety of different factors, including safety, housing, and potential reactions of family members and friends. As some families may reject LGBTQIA+ family members and refuse to allow them to live at home, many LGBTQIA+ people are unable to “come out,” because doing so could place them in an unsafe environment or lead to homelessness. They may also decide not to “come out” at a certain time due to fear of rejection and disconnection from loved ones. LGBTQIA+ people may choose not to “come out” even when their family and friends may be supportive, because they are not sure how loved ones will react and may not want to risk losing the acceptance and respect of the people they care about the most. Certain situations can also lead LGBTQIA+ people to wait to come out, such as feeling unsure about their gender identity and/or sexual orientation or experiencing negative feelings about their gender identity and/or sexual orientation.

In the media and popular culture, “coming out” is often portrayed as a life-changing, singular event that either ends in crushing disappointment or a great celebration (a kiss between two gay characters on a Ferris wheel to thunderous cheers and applause in Love Simon comes to mind). However, it may be more accurate to think of “coming out” as a life-long journey rather than a final destination. “Coming out” is a decision that is made every day during every social interaction. As gender identity, sexual orientation, and pronouns may shift from day to day or multiple times over the course of a lifetime, “coming out” may also occur with the same set of people multiple times. Neurodivergent individuals who also identify as LGBTQIA+ may consider disclosing their neurodiversity to others as a form of “coming out,” such that they are engaging in “double coming out” throughout their lifetime. In addition, some individuals who identify as LGBTQIA+ decide never to “come out.”

“Coming out” is a journey that may evoke negative emotions but can also include moments of beautiful, affirming relationship growth. Every LGBTQIA+ person has a unique “coming out” timeline, and determining this timeline is a personal and complex process. LGBTQIA+ people are deserving of love, respect, acceptance, and support no matter where they are on their “coming out” journey. If you or someone you care about would like to explore “coming out” or other LGBTQIA+-related topics, seek support, or connect with others in the LGBTQIA+ community, please contact us at Kaleidoscope for more information.

Interested in joining Sarah's parent group?

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Sarah is currently serving as a postdoctoral fellow specializing in working with individuals on the autism spectrum at The Help Group. Sarah earned her B.A. in psychology from CSUN, and her M.A. and Psy.D. from the PGSP-Stanford PsyD Consortium. She recently completed her clinical internship at Asian Americans for Community Involvement where she pursued her interest in the intersections of various cultural identities and LGBTQIA+ status, and developed the agency’s first clinical program for youth who identified as LGBTQIA+.

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October is LGBTQ+ History Month! 495 400 cj

October is LGBTQ+ History Month!
October is

LGBTQ+ History Month!

When we celebrate LGBTQ+ history month, we promote equality and diversity, raise awareness of LGBTQ+ identities, provide understanding of the complex nature of gender, biology, and romantic/sexual orientation, and honor those LGBTQ+ figures who changed the world. 

 There are many ways for everyone in the LGBTQ+ community, and their allies, to celebrate this month. As Laverne Cox, transgender rights activist and actress, so eloquently stated, “I’ve never been interested in being invisible or erased.” Here are some suggestions for honoring the LGBTQ+ figures who paved the way for the LGBTQ+ community to be visible and proud!: 

Suggestions for Teachers:

Strive to creatively weave historical LGBTQ+ figures into your curriculum. Introduce students to the lived experiences and perspectives of LGBTQ+ icons through stories, visual art, food, music, and film. A curriculum that includes lesbian, gay, bisexual, transgender and gender-expansive historical figures creates a more affirming environment and healthy self-concept for LGBTQ+ students while also raising awareness for all students. 

Suggestions for Students:

Make your voice heard! Make an appointment with your Principal and ask to read an announcement about LGBTQ+ History Month. Or submit an article to your school’s newspaper. If your school has a GSA, have the group plan a special lunchtime event like “Karaoke to Celebrate LGBTQ+ Musicians.” And if your school doesn’t have a GSA, this is the perfect month to start one! 

Suggestions For Parents: 

Show your affirming support for your LGBTQ+ child in a demonstrable manner. Buy a LGBTQ+ flag and fly it proudly outside your home. Make  a point to read up on LGBTQ+ historical figures and share your knowledge at the dinner table. Show your LGBTQ+ child that you will stand up to those who have outdated and unwelcome attitudes toward the LGBTQ+ community. Be a LGBTQ+ hero for your child! 

Suggestions For Friends and Allies:

Sometimes simple things can make a difference in showing your LGBTQ+ friends that you are a strong ally. Wear a rainbow shirt, add your pronouns on your Instagram bio, or bake your LGBTQ+ friends some rainbow cupcakes!  

Suggestions For Co-Workers:

You can demonstrate that you are an ally to your LGBTQ+ co-workers by adding your pronouns to your email signature, as well as wearing a rainbow lanyard and a pronoun pin at work. Show interest in your LGBTQ+ co-worker’s life and ask about their interests outside of work. The more work friends the better! 

And to all of our friends in the LGBTQ+ community:

Happy LGBTQ+ History Month! We see you, we support you, and we are proud of you! And as the great gay playwright, actor, and Tony winner Harvey Fierstein said, “Never be bullied into silence. Never allow yourself to be made a victim. Accept no one’s definition of your life; define yourself!” 

Want to learn more about the LGBTQ+ community? Please join us! Kaleidoscope offers free groups and clubs for teens ages 12-17 and young adults 18-24. We also have a free bi- monthly parent/ally/caregiver support group. 

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Jeri Rochman, JD, MS

Jeri Rochman, JD, MS, is the Advance LA Director of Community Outreach, a Life Skills Coach, National Board Certified Counselor and Certified Parent Educator. Interested in learning more about Advance LA’s services?

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